a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
