Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Terrible idea I love it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
