i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it wasn't lemon gatorade
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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