I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
