the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
