I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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