Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
