She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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