he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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