my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
