i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
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She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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