What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
