My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
