what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
