I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
