Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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