I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
