Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
