K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
