Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
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She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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