So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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