Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
