If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
