I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
