You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Drunk is not a location!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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