I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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