why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
how drunk are you?
Several
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
