there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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