I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
