just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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