Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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