woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
