Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
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