i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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