At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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