i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
