I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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