I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
