Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
