dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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