She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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