Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
