haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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