It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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