He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
