I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
