If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
