Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
