so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
