PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
