I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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