Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
