Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
