shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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