Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
